*~faith is faithless~~

hello world! hello nyc, hello philippines!

2007-08-07T17:33:00.000-04:00

HELLO EVERYONE! FAITH IS NO LONGER FAITHLESS, AND HAS A NEW BLOG! IT'S A FOOD bLOG, COME SEE!
THIS ONE IS NOT OVERLY DRAMATIC...DONT WORRY!

www dot xanga dot com slash lia underscore nyc ! without the spaces though! damned blogger wont let me link it!

enough is enough

2007-06-10T16:37:00.001-04:00

Cost of the War in Iraq

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To see more details, click here.

enough is enough...should'nt we be fighting for bigger better things without guns and bloodshed?

*hey nor i cant get into your blog!*

soul sounds music blog-:::SOLACE:::

2007-04-29T18:22:00.000-04:00

i have found solace in my music once again-so i added a link to
my music blog which i just started a couple of weeks ago.

CHECK MY LINKS.

words and music-lovely....;)

~**~:::soul sounds:::~***~PLAYLIST

2007-04-06T00:57:00.000-04:00

*JUST HAPPENED TO NOTICE THAT MY OLD MUSIC POSTS ARE NOT WORKING~SO HERE IS A NEW PLAYLIST WITH THE OLD MUSIC AND SOME NEW MUSIC I LIKE...ENJOY!*

sex sex sex sex sex and more hot sex

2007-04-05T23:30:00.000-04:00

alright so from now on all posts are going to be titled with sexual innuendo as nobody reads my posts unless the titles scream TAKE ME....

LOL! IM BACK! just shortened my last post, coz it was way emotional..and not in a good way.ekk...i hate stressing over people who do not matter to me. i am way bigger than that.
doing the whole big life changes thing...once again.

i think it has to happen once, twice..maybe 8 times after, or something..hahaha

for those who read my last post..everything worked out...long story...big misunderstanding.life just living itself.

anyway- i am making a promise to myself to write more...pray more...appreciate more..

and...i am hoping that if any of you guys are out there..all you guys who read my posts
~react to my posts more often..for the same reason i never leave voicemails or leave messages on answering machines...i hate talking to the air.

so please...say something to me, rather than just read my posts...it truly does make a difference.

i learned something just yesterday~from someone who was just so unlikely.
we all go through those life changes-when money becomes an issue- when it does
be sure to remember ::: people first,money second,things last:::

but...

when those life changes are over :::god(faith,beliefs),people,career:::

it might sound a little shallow but for those who have been through all of it, we all know.

eventually it will make sense.

xoxox

along the beaten path

2007-02-12T17:16:00.000-05:00

somewhere along the way-the calm serenity...contentment as such...a life so full...an understanding....
it vanished....

i found that one true love that completed me...

but lost all else....everything i once knew...all the comfort and peace...

....lost as i was

....never mattered.

what i found anew strengthened me...strengthed my losses.
i was all new...

now~ everyday i may fail...everyday i may bleed..i might cry...but
it wont matter.

machiavelle said once~the end justifies the means.

i choose to walk along that beaten path...

AWAKENED FROM SLUMBER

2007-02-12T16:58:00.000-05:00

after a long hiatus...i am back. i'll be posting again,just not as often..it's when words linger, i feel-that we can really find truth..
please share with me your thoughts, words... and anything that soothes
tired souls...no matter how trivial..search through my archives and let
me inspire you...in turn inspire me....

words,beautiful words...like sweet medicine....

oh to be awakened from slumber~when one has had rest...to see clearer...

dream in your sleep~cursed love song

2006-12-19T14:27:00.000-05:00

so you rain on my tomorrow
but feel sorry that you do

and you say all but sorry
and as well i forgive you

but before i say goodbye
promise me something more...

but before i say goodbye
promise me something more...

that you'll dream in your sleep
tonight; wake want me and
nothing more....
that you'll dream in your sleep
tonight;wake want me and
nothing more....

goodbye,goodbye,goodbye

::a song i wrote 2 years ago,
as a curse on a lost love::

∴∴∴at a loss for words? what a wonder.

2006-12-07T19:05:00.000-05:00

i think to a certain extent when you're happy there's so much you can say
but when you know that you have nothing to worry about you don't have
to say anything, because those words resonate, without having to say them.

that's when you know that it is real...

when you are sure of something and you have that truth...you finally find that contentment...that happiness...even when there's always gonna be doubts and
confusion.You find yourself at a loss for words.

An oedipal prophesy~

2006-12-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

this pain's too much to bear.
this pain's too heavy on my shoulders.

almost like i cannot breath.
almost like i cannot hear.
almost like i cannot think.

this pain is like an oedipal
prophecy.
too gruesome to tell of.

this pain makes me choke.
is it fair to even begin to love
...to try to love?

is it fair to get so caught up?

is it fair to languish in that love
and still expect that somehow...
along the ways of laughter...joy...
passion...ecstasy...
that in that expectation; still....

more pain?

in some way we have those
realistic expectations...
but whose to expect that you kill your father
and end up sleeping with your mother?

like in some oedipal prophesy-
this is how this pain feels to me.

i hope that this pain
does'nt ruin me.
i hope i can be whole again
so i can love again.

i hope that i can believe in
what's real and true...
and learn to trust the way i need to.

i ♥ me

2006-11-26T12:30:00.000-05:00

when you're a dark angel
all you've really
got is yourself.

◊see you in hell◊

2006-11-26T12:07:00.000-05:00

i think i must have been brought up to letdowns.

everything till now has been a letdown...

even when things are great i ultimately believe

it will be another letdown.

i think it must have started from the core.

never a kind word...never any wisdom...

never any positive...optimistic energy.

it's part of the reason it is so hard for

me to trust..

i keep telling myself not to get carried away~

that way i dont grieve later.

i almost never take a chance on people...

other things of course are safer...

it's very hurtful. very painful.

very tiresome.

screw my damn parents for being

so very comforting.

i guess i will see them in

hell.

•A Big Question•

2006-11-26T00:36:00.000-05:00

†rust?
how do people do it?

~**~:::soul sounds:::~***~#3

2006-11-18T21:33:00.000-05:00

somewhere only we know~keane
collide~howie day

~when you say ....

2006-11-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

~when you say
you know how i feel-
do you really?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you ever think maybe you're life

isn't supposed to be part of someone elses?

that maybe even if you love them

so much you're going to keep them

from growing? keep them from living?

then maybe you decide even if it hurts so much

that you cant live that way?

that you cant push and pull at what's meant to be?

what if it scares you not to?

even when you know you cant

have everything the way you want it

do you let go? say goodbye?

what if i play with that fire

and in the end that fire goes out?

what then?

what if i mess up what's really meant to be?

:::stuck inside walls

2006-11-18T14:07:00.000-05:00

i can't seem to tell anymore what reality is.
is it enought that i know who i am;what i want?

should'nt it be?
why can't i be free from illusion?
do i see what i want to see?
do i know what i want to know?
do we all feel sometimes like we are not
connected to the world?

~have you ever heard yourself so clearly one day
and so vaguely another?

have you ever said a word over and over
in your head till it did'nt make
any sense anymore?

don't we all wish decision making could be simpler?

that somehow, if it felt so right-
that it would be?

i wish my life could really be
part of what i need it to be...

because wanting just isn't enough sometimes....

..and then of course
finding what that something is....

may just be another story

this feeling of being so discontent...
this feeling of being so shut out

so~ claustrophobic...
like i'm stuck inside walls:::

i wish i could break free.

growing up hurts:::::

2006-11-11T18:01:00.000-05:00

my mind is so messed up-even when i understand
so much now who i am...i still fall...
sometimes apart...

a new job...new people..god...
starting over hurts.
it's just what i need to stand up again;
to move..
to get an even clearer picture..
but it's just that somehow,i want to keep things
exactly like they are..
my relationships,my time..my mind...
my heart...my soul..

i know i have to get back to work.
my one month resting has made me lazy.
i need to get up and do something again...

alas....i love being with the people i love...
making a home for them.

yesterday, i was sitting on a bench with [M]
near a coffee shop...watching people go by...
and a woman stopped to say: "you guys look so peaceful...."
~ and we smiled because we were-and are....
i just wish everyday could always be that way.
Then realities of life though change as well.
Just when you thought you understood; believed
...it isn't always what it is.

...i take comfort in what i know...
and yet i love opening my mind to the unknown...

learning...growing...

haa..growing up is so hard... it hurts.

i promise that i won't grow up to be anything

i hate or anything i love.

i promise i will grow up and just be..me.

i promise that things will not change what "is"

and what "is'nt".

what ever changes take place

will never be a hindrance

to what or who i love ~for always.

~SIMPLE as BREAKFAST~

2006-11-09T10:38:00.000-05:00

there is this place [M] and i go to for breakfast- a small busy place with quaint faces and comforting food.

it is in this place where we go to not much often that i feel that i am part of the world.
that i somehow belong.

it is a place where simple pleasures turn the world into a rainbow of wonders before me.

[M] has buttermilk banana pancakes as big and fluffy as the clouds in the sky...the bananas are sweet and caramelized-you don't even need syrup..

i have the italian omelette with sausage,tomatoes
and melted mozzerella cheese with
buttered toast and the most wonderfully tasty homefries[not dry]....

we sit and we relish time well spent...and life just seems so simple and perfect.

almost without a care we sit there...
he has his tea i have my coffee...i have him, he has me..oh to be loved!
what a wonder..

now....how lovely would be if life were as simple as breakfast?

:::FAITH or FATE***that is the question...

2006-11-08T19:41:00.000-05:00

faith is being sure of what we hope for
and believing in what we cannot see.
hebrews 11:1

fate is: destiny~ something that is inevitable.

:::::how beautifully uncertain~~

2006-11-08T11:27:00.000-05:00

YOUR ALWAYS STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE.
IF YOU WEREN'T THAN YOU'D BE DEAD-AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SO THEN BY ALL MEANS JUST KILL YOURSELF.

YOU COME TO A POINT IN THE ROAD- [OF LIFE,PEOPLE]
THAT SOME THINGS ARE WORTHLESS FIGHTING FOR[ABOUT],
AND CRYING OVER.

MAYBE TOMORROW YOU'RE A YEAR OLDER, MAYBE YOU WIN A TRIP...MAYBE SOMETHING HAPPENS...SOMETHING CHANGES.

....SOMETHING WILL... AND IT WILL HIT YOU.
YOU CAN LET GO... [MAYBE NOT EVERYTHING YET..BUT..]
IT'S GONNA HURT A LITTLE; IT'S GONNA CONFUSE YOU...BUT IT'S GONNA MAKE SENSE.

THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL UNCERTAINTY IN THAT.

Having a Cigarette for Peace

2006-11-06T15:03:00.000-05:00

this is a comment i left for another blogger who left me a note for an oct archive- ~i crave a bitter sweet shattered love~
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

mattmayes said: you really like being broken? maybe you do - but you say you like being fixed. Have you decided that you just like everything? But yet you hate some things... give me time to understand. But i like the IDEA of moving ahead and away from dark towards amber - in fact amber is my favorite color. And i sure dont like what ive been doing to myself and others lately. But i haven't quite re-found my good self yet. I am lost but - when i am alone i feel found... wierd - but its all subjective
2:17 PM

faith said:lost and found...i like that.
i am a musician as well.
yes...i do think i like to be broken..
The thought though of having someone mend me somehow is enticing.
would you agree?

i am almost pretty sure you would.

whatever you are today..good, bad-
it's where you have to be to get to where you want to be.even when you dont know where that is, and
even if you dont like how it's made you.After all the "end justifies the means"-and you get there which ever way you can~even if you skin your knees.

:::two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl:::

hahaha.

11:55 AM

oh the irony...

2006-11-05T23:13:00.000-05:00

no matter what there's always love.

no matter what you should only rely on yourself.

isn't that so ironic?

how about~~~ no matter what, I'll always have me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~i hope the shadows of my past dont always plague me.~
~i hope my decisions today are realizations of my past.~
~i hope that i inspire to redeem myself worthy even when~
~nobody thinks i can.~

A-LIST

2006-11-05T18:10:00.000-05:00

List.

1) restrain outbursts.

2) do not confide in any one.

3) do not give other reasons for why you are angry, screaming and especially CRYING.

[yeah you, you know who you are]

4) do not confide in any one.

5) restrain outbursts.

fragile fragility

2006-11-05T17:50:00.000-05:00

sometimes i feel so fragile, almost like i could come apart.

so fragile even being held does'nt sooth me.

sometimes i feel so fragile and small...and cold and alone

that i shake uncontrollably.

so helpless.

sometimes i need a corner in the darkness to hold myself in

to cry and fight myself in.

i wish i could have woken up yesterday and knew who i was gonna be

tomorrow; and that things would be exactly how i want it to be now.

tonight i will sleep when it's light and rest my head, so that maybe

tomorrow the world does'nt look like it's crashing down on me.

maybe i'll call on the gods for the strength to believe again.

maybe i'll learn to understand that sometimes people want to protect

you-even when they are'nt doing a good job of showing it.

fragile,me,sleep,prayer,dad

~**~:::soul sounds:::~***~#2

2006-11-03T15:59:00.000-05:00

~icecream-sarah mclachlan~
~love-nat king cole~

NO! ~to excess baggage~

2006-11-03T07:57:00.000-05:00

i was attempting/contemplating to dig up all my
archived blog entries from two years ago,
but not doing so might be a great lesson
in leaving the past behind.

what-of-it you say?

exactly.

When i left my home, it was so hard to leave all my
things behind...they all seemed so important.

i was always that sentimental fool-
i kept everything.

i always knew most of it was trash wasting away;
taking up all the space in drawers, closets...

2 1/2 years later i cannot recall one thing i could
possible miss.

YES! i was a [w]ho[a]rder.hehehe~ hoarder.

i try.

[pass the prozac please?]

2006-11-02T14:07:00.000-05:00

my life is always on a crazy on and off switch.

it's like that rollercoaster ride that would never end.

one moment I'm up, another moment I'm down.

yet i know i could still have a wonderful day..

when i am not.

I wonder if I'll ever find whats right for me?

Love may not be enough, although it should be..

You find the right one~but you dont settle into that existence.

you co-exist..and still find what's yours.

finding that balance...of need and want.

then....there's just you...stripped of everything...

In reality you still should find that you have so much.

knowing that you have you-should be enough.

there will always be little qualms, always be little

questions[maybe big ones]

some too hard to leave alone, but not worth enough to go back on.

in reality it should be easy to remain rational...

to look at things for what they are. To choose what you can mend.

To choose what you can leave alone. To know what isnt worth

the least of your time.

i just wish we could pop a pill

to make it so much easier.

pass the prozac please?

*btw~ i love rollercoasters
maybe that could be the problem(", )

Lovely..Lovely..

2006-11-02T12:02:00.000-05:00

so many laddies coming through wont you leave me a comment?

feel free to leave comments on all posts, leave an email addy or add me as a

link. i will as well when i figure out how to do it..

inpire me & maybe in turn i'll inspire you

yesss im a tad weeedd....[fake british accent] eet is whot keeps me going.

jolly good jolly good.....hahaha...thots quite enoufff now you reckinnn?

[smirk,smirk] sorry...i am in a very wonderful colorful mood...i think i'll pop in my turquoise contact lenses and say hello to the world.

no..yes...uh...no... i have not been smoking anything.
i have not nor will not ever. i did not say i never have though.

i write to understand better what i know already lies in me.

i have peaceful days...weeks....sometimes longer.
i have dreary restless days that go on for months.

i realize it is because i question too much.
i ruled out depression; if it were that, then
i'd be dead or extremely heavy?? i am neither.

~i crave a bitter sweet shattered love~

2006-11-02T07:47:00.000-05:00

things are starting to look up...
problem is i dont have much to write
about when it's all quiet...

all this time i thought i had this shattered love
for love...it's my love affair with love...but no~

we all hurt for hurt
we all hurt for love

we cry
we laugh
we learn

its that ever evolving, ever controlling almost spiteful contradiction...
how we can love and be loved and not feel loved at all.

to know and really understand is beyond me...but i feel im moving on.
dark to light.

it's my addiction to affliction that keeps me from being unabashed.
almost like i live to be shattered...like millions of mirror pieces.
oh the beauty in that is like chocolate ice.so bitter sweet...

but as the music changes,
as the tides change;
the sky a purple to an
amber light-
i will find myself otherwise.
Not so much in the dark.

it is hard to go by words you offer to others...
you listen and you know...and you say...but there's
so much
to fathom.

change and time make all the difference
you have to keep moving and nurturing what you love
or you lose most of who you are and,
before you know it, you lose everything
and everyone that trully matters.
you lose yourself.

wallowing in ur misery in its own right is a beautiful
morose entirety, but it breaks you...

i love the thought of getting fixed again.... (",)

besides...
i'd rather the icecream anytime..

[M] you're better than ice cream...

:::in Lust, we †rust :::

2006-10-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

IS IT A CALL OF THE FLESH ?
IS IT A LOVE AT ITS BEST?

:::HOW STRANGE AND BEAUTIFUL:::

I OFTEN WONDER...

~**~:::soul sounds:::~***~#1

2006-10-30T09:35:00.000-05:00

~black cherry-goldfrapp~
~slow like honey-fiona apple~

~~dance in the rain under the silvery moon***~~

2006-10-29T20:37:00.000-05:00

~**BELIEVE~**
**~HAVE FAITH~***~

LIVE,LOVE...
FEEL,TRANSFORM....

PAIN=STRENGTH=BEAUTY
~***WISDOM**~**

*~*no pessimist ever*~
~**discovered the secret of **
**the stars,*~
**~or sailed unto an uncharted land,~*~
***~or opened a new doorway~**
~*~for the human spirit~*
helen keller

Congratulations...to me

2006-10-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

~ i think i am going insane... thank you, thank you, thank you [bow]

[Help] security!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-29T00:32:00.000-04:00

security~ i wont be happy till there's a
ring on this finger
and that girl is dead
and out of our lives;
and the world~ FOREVER.

AND i dont mean engaged.
AND yes ~dead
like in a pool of blood.
A painfully long death~may i add.

and yes i will go to the wake and hug her mother,
and yes i will go to the wake and kiss her mother.
just like judas did o_O

~WoRds~~

2006-10-28T23:34:00.000-04:00

[love,rain,daydreams,ambient sounds,
adventure, scorned,rage,silence,possibility]

sometimes the world isnt fair....
sometimes life isnt fair....

love at first sight?

bullsh*t.

scrolling marqueeode to change

2006-10-27T07:45:00.000-04:00

hi it's me...i am not really sure why i'm writing..there isnt much to write about...
yesterday i did the yahoo timecapsule thing..and it made me want to start a list of things i need to remember to do.[timecapsule@yahoo.com]

i rememeber thinking not too long ago..couple of years back-that... i didnt want to look back on my life and say...what have i done??

i have always said that change is good. Change helps you realize..helps with perspective..helps you get over things.
change is like that haircut you get after that bad breakup.
YEAH, that's why i am writing...yesterday the words: changing overtime were floating around in my head.

over and over....like that scrolling marquee screensaver.tumbling all over the place...

changing overtime...changing overtime....changing....changing...CHANGING..overtime

tsss...[smirk] i still dont know why im writing.i guess its for peace.

somehow i feel ive made pointers.definetely gonna make that list.

sleeping on toilets....

2006-10-26T13:00:00.003-04:00

i dont think im a party girl...
ive been known to get very drunk and fall asleep
on toilets or in bathrooms...

i think i must be past that...i did enjoy myself quite a bit. Got into quite a bit of trouble.

i would much rather have a big dinner in or out with friends...
happy, shiny friends...sharing plates of pasta and wine..listening to music...walking and talking when the weather is right..

does that make me boring?

i used to sing in a band...drink lots of beer...
i used to go to bars a lot...

i never liked clubs...all that noisy music...all those noisy people.

i am quite melancholic...i like quiet...
and yet i like to have people around me...

maybe im older..is that an excuse though? ...to not be as social..to not want to meet new people?

i never use to live here...i dont know a lot of people here.
im scared people will step on my values and principals.

i am no hypocrite... i know once in awhile i go against what i believe in...but i know my limits.

it's like when you are younger and you keep doing the same thing and keep getting into trouble~
at one point you stop and think... "what the hell..im so tired of this..."
then you make some changes... or you would stand and fall over and over again without pausing to evaluate what you could turn around or fix...

i dont try to reinvent myself...i do what feels right and good.
i need that missing puzzle piece...that next step.

i wonder what it's going to turn out to be.

~to know and believe you are beautiful**~*

2006-10-26T11:48:00.000-04:00

to know you are beautiful is one thing...to believe it is another.

i hope to god i am the most beautiful, lovely, sweet, [without a thought,without a doubt]
woman in his life.

i want to know it and hear it without him saying a word...

here's to hoping.

all the sense in the world......?

2006-10-25T11:36:00.000-04:00

how in a world that is so cold can their be so many feeling people?
how in a world that is so materialistic can their be people who need to be loved...want and need to be loved.people who live and eat love....

what is real?
sometimes i need to step back and take a breath.i am so doubtful of what should be as simple as----and is not.

~i love you~ [ ? ]

what if we are predisposed to it?
what if it flows out so easily to some?

i try not to write when words dont flow out of me freely...but then,
what if today just isnt a good day for words?

what if today i cant phrase myself well because it wouldnt make sense to?

what if the the dullness and darkness of what i write today makes all the sense in the world for once?

He Said:

2006-10-25T10:46:00.000-04:00

as we lay in bed on a lazy afternoon...we fell into a hazy sleep...
i awoke to hold him closer and he said: "No! Get away from me!"-and just as he said that he awoke and muttered "...im sorry baby...bad dream...i love you so much and you cheated on me.."
i held unto him and said:"i would never...you know that..."
"Yes i know"-he said,"it's all subliminal.., i love you so i get scared."

..i lay there and i wondered about his fears and how easily he can get over them.how i hardly ever hear him worry about us.Almost like he knows we're gonna make it anyway.
he lets me wallow in my sorrow, almost like he knows that eventually i'll get over it..like it's a step in the process.

Yet i know he's so tired of hearing about everything over again.
i wish it was as simple for me as it is for him.

is it just that as a woman that we would like to believe nobody could be better than us~as women that is for the one we love?

CURSED-tears and pain; irrational ellipses

2006-10-24T18:22:00.000-04:00

i guess i am cursed.love is not for me.
while its perfect...maybe im not.
how do i let go? is it even worth it staying in this?
am i suppose to just be accepting of what was...even all that is still
somewhat prevalent?
his friends know her...i hardly know them...
i dont think he even has pictures of me...
i think he must have loved to show her off coz
she was so beautiful...(something he said when we started dating...)
he must've had pictures posted of her on blogs...doors...wallets...cars..
maybe even a picture frame...
his friends must've loved her...
she must've loved to go and party with him and his friends...
she must have liked socializing with them unlike me...

maybe its coz im older? he's younger and she well...was a child...
i keep wondering if im a better lover...i am much older,i give more,im more experienced...do i care for him better than she did?
why do i need to compare..i am me.. i am much stronger than this...

is it worth the pain being in this...
is it worth it hurting him?

5 months one day....
i never thought id fall for him...nor did he with me...
and he said so much about her,stuff you dont say...stuff you leave behind...back then i thought~ poor kid isnt over his ex...
they were engaged for awhile..that hurts too.
but i thought we'd play awhile. then before i knew i had fallen...
i hurt so much knowing he still had her in his life somewhat...

then...he has moved on and they are no longer in each others lives..

after all when someone hurts you like that you leave it all in the past.

why cant i move on from this ;and she then? do i love him too much?

everyday i hurt...he hurts.
it took awhile before he trully was over her..we shed some tears...and what he felt then is now long gone...
but all i know is still here-i cant let go and sometimes i feel i should just stop it all now before all of me is long gone.before all respect has withered down to nothing.

i just cant fathom thinking of anyone else loving him...hurting him...am i just egotistic...?
i love him so much i hurt everyday-it is a curse ive had all my life.

maybe im not meant to love... maybe i dont know anything but irrational ellipses......
..... maybe i dont know how to love...maybe i am cursed.

words yet to be spoken

2006-10-24T10:07:00.000-04:00

the only time i'll ever be able to love as much as i know i can; is when im most happy with myself...

when you asked your ex to marry you-you were trying to keep her...trying to make her stay...
promise me you wont wait that long till you ask me.promise i wont have to wait that long..

i fell in love with you when i fell in love with me....

***today marks 5 months
9am court date

to find truth-faiths plight

2006-10-24T02:08:00.000-04:00

i try to be analitical more than emotional.
i use to live in a world of oblivion.floating around...then i found faith..it isnt about religion, of course it can be..it's about knowing what you believe in and wanting it hard enough.
thats one of the things i trully understand now.

i have my passions...i love food and travel, i love art and music....i love the large, the minute, the obtuse...as well as i hate all those things. i am simple, i am complicated, i am what i am. i think too much, hurt too much...love hard. my new mantra is: "yesterday ended last night, everyday is a new beginning, learn to forget and move on"

there is still so much ive got to hone up to..life is hard..it's so painful to love and be loved... it's so exciting and scary to live..

there is so much my life has become that sometimes i get so lost.

i wish i had a better hold on many things... i wish i was more solid as a person.. i wish i was less doubtful. i wish i could see all i needed to see as well as i could. i wish i was more consistent, and considerate.

im obsessive, im compulsive.. i can get very messed up.. i worry too much..
* when you're young you're so in tune; when you're old you think way too much..

i wish i could strike that balance.i want to finally find whats true...coz without the truth you have nothing.i hope i find it soon... maybe this the start of something

running away again...fear...

2006-10-24T00:41:00.000-04:00

im insane. i have something so wonderful....how come i keep letting myself forget?
its funny how i thought i'd never fall again...and then to fall so hard and be so scared....he takes me for who i am, loves me for all of me...all my quirks and imperfections.i never thought it could be....All i do is hurt you...all i do i give you grief. Maybe i just dont love myself as much as i thought i did..so sad...so painful.
i need help.is faith running away again?

keep trying to live on mantras i hear or read....they make so much sense and give some strength...make me happy for awhile. then they fade away because they are not mine. help me? need words that'll speak to my soul....
tell me things i need to hear....

faithisfaithless-closing doors

2006-10-23T05:26:00.000-04:00

today is the start of the rest of my life..
i guess i realized to get over what i needed to understand
i had to start opening up more...getting it down on paper so i could see clearer.
i dont think ive ever known the happiness [M] gives me and yet i push him away.
there are things i can never get over...or maybe i just dont want to.
i push myself into feeling so much more....i push my fears to the limit.
i am more open than in my past relationships...but i end up wanting to know so much more.
i need closure...i need to let go and live and let go and be loved.
but it hurts too much to think of how he might have loved someone else.
i know ive never been so happy....why i cant just keep it at that...i dont know....
ive been hurt so much...burned...cheated on...and i hate comparison.it makes you
question who you are.i know [M] could never cheat on me...i know for the first time in my life... i know and believe.
why oh why did he have to tell me everything he did when we first started dating...its been 5 months and still....pain.
am i insane to still hurt over his past...how even when it was over with...it took him awhile even when we were together already.
is it fair to get into a new relationship when your not over the last one?
and how far do you go asking questions...sharing answers...being honest...
was it right for me to tell him to forget her? he's said nobody has ever loved him like i do...
and i know how much i love....i love with everything in me...i love till it hurts.
i decided to start blogging today.it was time to get over some things....
hopefully when their down on paper thats where they'll stay...and maybe the pain wil fade away.i believe in so much...but dont i sound faithless?

*~**faith is faithless**~~