i ♥ me

when you're a dark angel
all you've really
got is yourself.

◊see you in hell◊

i think i must have been brought up to letdowns.

everything till now has been a letdown...

even when things are great i ultimately believe

it will be another letdown.

i think it must have started from the core.

never a kind word...never any wisdom...

never any positive...optimistic energy.

it's part of the reason it is so hard for

me to trust..

i keep telling myself not to get carried away~

that way i dont grieve later.

i almost never take a chance on people...

other things of course are safer...

it's very hurtful. very painful.

very tiresome.

screw my damn parents for being

so very comforting.

i guess i will see them in

hell.

•A Big Question•

†rust?
how do people do it?

~**~*:::soul sounds:::*~***~#3

somewhere only we know~keane
collide~howie day

~when you say ....

~when you say
you know how i feel-
do you really?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you ever think maybe you're life

isn't supposed to be part of someone elses?

that maybe even if you love them

so much you're going to keep them

from growing? keep them from living?

then maybe you decide even if it hurts so much

that you cant live that way?

that you cant push and pull at what's meant to be?

what if it scares you not to?

even when you know you cant

have everything the way you want it

do you let go? say goodbye?


what if i play with that fire

and in the end that fire goes out?

what then?

what if i mess up what's really meant to be?

:::stuck inside walls

i can't seem to tell anymore what reality is.
is it enought that i know who i am;what i want?

should'nt it be?
why can't i be free from illusion?
do i see what i want to see?
do i know what i want to know?
do we all feel sometimes like we are not
connected to the world?

~have you ever heard yourself so clearly one day
and so vaguely another?

have you ever said a word over and over
in your head till it did'nt make
any sense anymore?

don't we all wish decision making could be simpler?

that somehow, if it felt so right-
that it would be?

i wish my life could really be
part of what i need it to be...

because wanting just isn't enough sometimes....

..and then of course
finding what that something is....

may just be another story

this feeling of being so discontent...
this feeling of being so shut out

so~ claustrophobic...
like i'm stuck inside walls:::

i wish i could break free.

growing up hurts:::::

my mind is so messed up-even when i understand
so much now who i am...i still fall...
sometimes apart...

a new job...new people..god...
starting over hurts.
it's just what i need to stand up again;
to move..
to get an even clearer picture..
but it's just that somehow,i want to keep things
exactly like they are..
my relationships,my time..my mind...
my heart...my soul..

i know i have to get back to work.
my one month resting has made me lazy.
i need to get up and do something again...

alas....i love being with the people i love...
making a home for them.


yesterday, i was sitting on a bench with [M]
near a coffee shop...watching people go by...
and a woman stopped to say: "you guys look so peaceful...."
~ and we smiled because we were-and are....
i just wish everyday could always be that way.
Then realities of life though change as well.
Just when you thought you understood; believed
...it isn't always what it is.

...i take comfort in what i know...
and yet i love opening my mind to the unknown...

learning...growing...

haa..growing up is so hard... it hurts.

i promise that i won't grow up to be anything

i hate or anything i love.

i promise i will grow up and just be..me.

i promise that things will not change what "is"

and what "is'nt".

what ever changes take place

will never be a hindrance

to what or who i love ~for always.

~*SIMPLE as BREAKFAST*~

there is this place [M] and i go to for breakfast- a small busy place with quaint faces and comforting food.

it is in this place where we go to not much often that i feel that i am part of the world.
that i somehow belong.

it is a place where simple pleasures turn the world into a rainbow of wonders before me.

[M] has buttermilk banana pancakes as big and fluffy as the clouds in the sky...the bananas are sweet and caramelized-you don't even need syrup..

i have the italian omelette with sausage,tomatoes
and melted mozzerella cheese with
buttered toast and the most wonderfully tasty homefries[not dry]....

we sit and we relish time well spent...and life just seems so simple and perfect.

almost without a care we sit there...
he has his tea i have my coffee...i have him, he has me..oh to be loved!
what a wonder..


now....how lovely would be if life were as simple as breakfast?

:::FAITH or FATE***that is the question...

faith is being sure of what we hope for
and believing in what we cannot see.
hebrews 11:1

fate is: destiny~ something that is inevitable.

:::::how beautifully uncertain~~

YOUR ALWAYS STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE.
IF YOU WEREN'T THAN YOU'D BE DEAD-AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SO THEN BY ALL MEANS JUST KILL YOURSELF.

YOU COME TO A POINT IN THE ROAD- [OF LIFE,PEOPLE]
THAT SOME THINGS ARE WORTHLESS FIGHTING FOR[ABOUT],
AND CRYING OVER.

MAYBE TOMORROW YOU'RE A YEAR OLDER, MAYBE YOU WIN A TRIP...MAYBE SOMETHING HAPPENS...SOMETHING CHANGES.

....SOMETHING WILL... AND IT WILL HIT YOU.
YOU CAN LET GO... [MAYBE NOT EVERYTHING YET..BUT..]
IT'S GONNA HURT A LITTLE; IT'S GONNA CONFUSE YOU...BUT IT'S GONNA MAKE SENSE.

THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL UNCERTAINTY IN THAT.

Having a Cigarette for Peace

this is a comment i left for another blogger who left me a note for an oct archive- ~i crave a bitter sweet shattered love~
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

mattmayes said: you really like being broken? maybe you do - but you say you like being fixed. Have you decided that you just like everything? But yet you hate some things... give me time to understand. But i like the IDEA of moving ahead and away from dark towards amber - in fact amber is my favorite color. And i sure dont like what ive been doing to myself and others lately. But i haven't quite re-found my good self yet. I am lost but - when i am alone i feel found... wierd - but its all subjective
2:17 PM


faith said:lost and found...i like that.
i am a musician as well.
yes...i do think i like to be broken..
The thought though of having someone mend me somehow is enticing.
would you agree?

i am almost pretty sure you would.

whatever you are today..good, bad-
it's where you have to be to get to where you want to be.even when you dont know where that is, and
even if you dont like how it's made you.After all the "end justifies the means"-and you get there which ever way you can~even if you skin your knees.

:::two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl:::

hahaha.

11:55 AM

oh the irony...

no matter what there's always love.

no matter what you should only rely on yourself.

isn't that so ironic?


how about~~~ no matter what, I'll always have me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~i hope the shadows of my past dont always plague me.~
~i hope my decisions today are realizations of my past.~
~i hope that i inspire to redeem myself worthy even when~
~nobody thinks i can.~

A-LIST

List.



1) restrain outbursts.



2) do not confide in any one.



3) do not give other reasons for why you are angry, screaming and especially CRYING.

[yeah you, you know who you are]



4) do not confide in any one.



5) restrain outbursts.

fragile fragility

sometimes i feel so fragile, almost like i could come apart.

so fragile even being held does'nt sooth me.

sometimes i feel so fragile and small...and cold and alone

that i shake uncontrollably.

so helpless.

sometimes i need a corner in the darkness to hold myself in

to cry and fight myself in.



i wish i could have woken up yesterday and knew who i was gonna be

tomorrow; and that things would be exactly how i want it to be now.



tonight i will sleep when it's light and rest my head, so that maybe

tomorrow the world does'nt look like it's crashing down on me.

maybe i'll call on the gods for the strength to believe again.

maybe i'll learn to understand that sometimes people want to protect

you-even when they are'nt doing a good job of showing it.




fragile,me,sleep,prayer,dad

~**~*:::soul sounds:::*~***~#2

~icecream-sarah mclachlan~
~love-nat king cole~

NO! ~to excess baggage~

i was attempting/contemplating to dig up all my
archived blog entries from two years ago,
but not doing so might be a great lesson
in leaving the past behind.

what-of-it you say?

exactly.


When i left my home, it was so hard to leave all my
things behind...they all seemed so important.

i was always that sentimental fool-
i kept everything.

i always knew most of it was trash wasting away;
taking up all the space in drawers, closets...

2 1/2 years later i cannot recall one thing i could
possible miss.

YES! i was a [w]ho[a]rder.hehehe~ hoarder.

i try.

[pass the prozac please?]

my life is always on a crazy on and off switch.

it's like that rollercoaster ride that would never end.

one moment I'm up, another moment I'm down.

yet i know i could still have a wonderful day..

when i am not.

I wonder if I'll ever find whats right for me?

Love may not be enough, although it should be..

You find the right one~but you dont settle into that existence.

you co-exist..and still find what's yours.

finding that balance...of need and want.

then....there's just you...stripped of everything...

In reality you still should find that you have so much.

knowing that you have you-should be enough.

there will always be little qualms, always be little

questions[maybe big ones]

some too hard to leave alone, but not worth enough to go back on.

in reality it should be easy to remain rational...

to look at things for what they are. To choose what you can mend.

To choose what you can leave alone. To know what isnt worth

the least of your time.

i just wish we could pop a pill

to make it so much easier.

pass the prozac please?




*btw~ i love rollercoasters
maybe that could be the problem(", )

Lovely..Lovely..

so many laddies coming through wont you leave me a comment?

feel free to leave comments on all posts, leave an email addy or add me as a

link. i will as well when i figure out how to do it..

inpire me & maybe in turn i'll inspire you


yesss im a tad weeedd....[fake british accent] eet is whot keeps me going.

jolly good jolly good.....hahaha...thots quite enoufff now you reckinnn?

[smirk,smirk] sorry...i am in a very wonderful colorful mood...i think i'll pop in my turquoise contact lenses and say hello to the world.

no..yes...uh...no... i have not been smoking anything.
i have not nor will not ever. i did not say i never have though.

i write to understand better what i know already lies in me.

i have peaceful days...weeks....sometimes longer.
i have dreary restless days that go on for months.

i realize it is because i question too much.
i ruled out depression; if it were that, then
i'd be dead or extremely heavy?? i am neither.

~i crave a bitter sweet shattered love~

things are starting to look up...
problem is i dont have much to write
about when it's all quiet...

all this time i thought i had this shattered love
for love...it's my love affair with love...but no~

we all hurt for hurt
we all hurt for love

we cry
we laugh
we learn

its that ever evolving, ever controlling almost spiteful contradiction...
how we can love and be loved and not feel loved at all.

to know and really understand is beyond me...but i feel im moving on.
dark to light.

it's my addiction to affliction that keeps me from being unabashed.
almost like i live to be shattered...like millions of mirror pieces.
oh the beauty in that is like chocolate ice.so bitter sweet...

but as the music changes,
as the tides change;
the sky a purple to an
amber light-
i will find myself otherwise.
Not so much in the dark.

it is hard to go by words you offer to others...
you listen and you know...and you say...but there's
so much
to fathom.

change and time make all the difference
you have to keep moving and nurturing what you love
or you lose most of who you are and,
before you know it, you lose everything
and everyone that trully matters.
you lose yourself.


wallowing in ur misery in its own right is a beautiful
morose entirety, but it breaks you...

i love the thought of getting fixed again.... (",)


besides...
i'd rather the icecream anytime..

[M] you're better than ice cream...